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I don’t know where to begin really. I have history here, but my life is a mess and I’m only making it worse. I do want to say this post contains triggering topics of: substance abuse, termination of pregnancy and suicide. Last year I found out my husband was questioning his sexuality, I found out about affairs and p*rn, i found out he was abusing prescription drugs, he overdosed and was in the hospital, did treatment moves back home and we separated in the house until we could afford to separate physically, i was pregnant and had two young kids at home. He was doing really good though after he got out of inpatient and we were getting along and we knew divorce was going to happen but we waited to file. I still loved him despite everything that had happened. Trigger: He took his own life after I gave birth to our youngest. I fell apart and I was diagnosed with PPD, I kept telling myself to push through for the kids and I did, I took my meds and went to work and I’m supporting my kids the best I can, but I also was still depressed and lonely and wanted to be happy again, i always put myself last and wanted to put myself first but I ended up going about it the wrong way.Anytime I had a free night I would go out with someone and it made all that pain I was feeling go away, I wanted to do it at first but after awhile I was numb and I just went through the motions and I didn’t feel anything, like I didn’t care that this guy doesn’t respect me or care about me, I know how awful this sounds, I was literally just a hole to him and I didn’t care. How messed up is that? Tomorrow I’m terminating a pregnancy and I’m realizing how awful all this is and I can’t stop crying and feeling this rush of emotions I think I was suppressing. Idk what to do! I’m scared after al this I’ll go back to what I was doing. I don’t trust myself to actually do better because I’m still hurt and the pain is still there. What do I do?
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8 comments
I'm sorry for your loss and for your struggles. My only advice right now is to find a therapist, and even consider one for your children if they are old enough. I think this is where you'll get the most help right now.
Last edited 3 hours ago
I'm going to echo the recommendation for therapy. Start with focusing on coping tools that aren't so dangerous. Grief counseling in particular would be really helpful, because they'll have a better understanding of what you're struggling with, emotionally. And follow up with your OB for STI testing: pregnancy isn't the only thing you can catch from unsafe sex. I'm so sorry for your loss. Gentle hugs if you want them.
Posted 3 hours ago
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Posted 3 hours ago
I just want to say I’m so very sorry for everything you’ve been through 💜
Posted 3 hours ago
I also want to say how sorry I am for what you’ve experienced. I saw on your other thread that you were in therapy last year. Are you still going? If not, please think about going back.
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Posted 2 hours ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I would be in weekly therapy if I were you. Do you have any close friends who can support you right now? I know when I was distrusting myself and having meaningless sex I told my friend every single thing and she was who I started calling when I wanted to go out.It sounds to me you’re doing it to avoid the pain. Only way out of the pain is to move through it. It will always be there if you keep running. Therapy for sure. Again, so sorry you’re going through this.
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